DiJaH's Blog

Words

2010-08-25T09:36:00.002+08:00

sometimes is pointless to say anything at all...

..........

2010-08-20T14:25:00.004+08:00

hari ni aku bangun, with a sense of terawangan. my feelings are not definite, not defined. its bland. i can't get through the walls. is there really a wall or am i just imagining things? sometimes i don't know what i know, what i feel, what i want.

all i know is i want to get away from all this. away from me. and away from this feeling. sort of feeling of nothingness, but this is so much better than pain. I guess i should be grateful.

things that are unsaid. things that has been said. at times just feels irrelevant. because i really can't pin down what is going on. sometimes i delve too deep into my own emotions, i become oblivious to the rest of the world. things that i want. things that i don't want. sometimes they coalesce and leaving me confused...and unfeeling.

like right now..

Tiba-tiba hari ni aku tidak merasakan

2010-08-20T11:51:00.002+08:00

rasa itu semakin hilang. Alhamdulillah. adakah aku akan merindui perasaan itu selepas aku menghalaunya pergi?

terima lah hakikat itu..awalnya mungkin payah. tapi ia perlu.

Kerana racun hanya perlu di telan sekali, kerana lepas itu, semua akan mati..

bukan itukah tujuannya?

Apakah..

2010-08-16T16:03:00.002+08:00

apakah perasaan ini?

marah?
mungkin tidak..tak perlu untuk itu

sayang?
pasti..tapi aku tak mau ia hadir

cemburu?
ya..tapi aku tidak berhak untuk itu...

kecewa?
ya, dengan diri sendiri...

ya aku sangat kecewa,
untuk kegagalan aku menepis perasaan ini
untuk mengawal diri daripada merasai.

mau apanya?
sesuatu yg hampir tidak mungkin..

aku sudah punyai jawapan untuk semua persoalan itu...
harus?

mengapakah aku masih merasai semua itu?
aku tidak punya jawapan untuk soalan itu...

Innalillah!

2010-08-09T23:42:00.002+08:00

Sebagaimana Dia memberi, begitu Dia boleh mengambil..... Aku rasa Dia telah mengambil.. Biarlah ia pergi. Kalau tiada maknanya di kemudian hari...

It ended today!

2010-08-09T23:38:00.001+08:00

ermmmmmmmmmmmm

one foot in front, then the other foot....

leaving behind....

finally.........

Survival..

2010-08-05T22:14:00.000+08:00

its not a choice.....its an obligation.

Apa kah jawapannya?

2009-07-14T14:22:00.000+08:00

Dan kemudian aku bertanya...

Monolog lagi..

2009-07-14T14:20:00.000+08:00

Apakah......?

Hek eleeeeeh....

Kalau ada jodoh, tak ke mana...

2009-07-14T14:18:00.000+08:00

Tak gitu cik Mai?

Hihihihihihihihihihihi

4 perkara akan di soal bila mati nanti...: berenti main facebook!

2009-07-06T10:14:00.002+08:00

Kadang-kadang kita tahu, tapi kita buat juga. contohnya ada 4 perkara Tuhan akan tanya bila mati nanti,

Hadits Tirmidzi – hasan shahih : Tidaklah bergeser kedua kaki seorang hamba pada hari kiamat melainkan aakan ditanya tentang empat perkara : tentang umurnya, dihabiskan untuk apa. Yang kedua tentang ilmunya, diamalkan atau tidak. Yang ketiga, tentang harta, dari mana diperoleh dan ke mana dihabiskan harta itu. Yg keempat tentang capeknya, tentang tubuhnya, capeknya untuk apa.

Sorry lah, aku dapat versi Indon je....

Seramkan...takkan nak jawab:

umur dihabiskan untuk main facebook
ilmu digunakan untuk menang facebook
harta habis untuk main facebook
letih badan untuk main facebook.

Wah....

Pesanan ini untuk aku yang suka sangat main facebook..

Tapi aku belajar satu perkara,

there is nothing, nor a man or a woman, is worth compromising your religion for.

Sebab nya orang itu akan pergi, benda itu akan reput, cuma yang tinggal aku yang bakal menjawab kepada Tuhan perihal agama aku, dan apa yang aku dah lakukan.

Takkan nak jawab, "aku jadi macam ni kerana cintakan si polan Tuhanku"...pastu si polan tu pun jawab, "aku tak suruh pun dia jadi camtu untuk aku"...dah masa tu semua org nak selamatkan diri masing-masing kan...tu mujur, kalau dia kata "dah jomla masuk neraka sama-sama"...

hahahhaa apa ingat neraka tu hotel 5 bintang???

Nauzubillah.

dah tijah berenti main facebook....

I want........

2009-07-04T14:16:00.000+08:00

I want pizza. I want to sleep. i want to watch cartoon while my experiments run themselves. i want money, i want to spend money. I want everything to be easy and perfect!

hehehehheeh

always about what "i" want. what do you want?

Warghhhh

2009-07-02T10:07:00.001+08:00

Whats to say, but hey..
Its a good day.
A good day to die today?

Teardrop

2009-06-29T09:34:00.002+08:00

what is a drop of tear, in a sea of sorrow?
is same yet not,

when the sea crashes, a drop of mist it appears.
tho still a drop, but no longer the tear.

My emotions

2009-06-29T09:33:00.004+08:00

guilt comes knocking at my door
and said; I am here,
forsake me not.

sorrow taps gently on my window,
and whispers, i am here,
forget me not.

fear lurks under my bed,
it mocks, I am here
ignore me not.

I get the door, open the window,
look under my bed,
Dear God.... i am afraid!

just then when sanity turns to flee,
hope runs away,
so panic dropped by.

I said wait!sanity, don't go!
Hope, come back!;
No panic, stay away!

then when chaos moves in,
depression says; hail! I am king!
anger says; then i am your queen..

when confusion becomes the coachmaster,
courage cowers, Gloom towers,
as Foolishness and exasperation bicker.

Then loneliness calls upon weary,
Lets hear Melancholy sing,
"i wish Strength was here..."

Conciousness said,
Sensibility, wake up! Will, strap up!
Doubt, shut up! I hear faith..

Then Faith looks up gracefully
smiles sweetly and said,
be afraid not my dear, for I am still here...

The Sun

2009-06-29T09:33:00.003+08:00

dark is the heaven, above the sky so blue.
dry is the sand, beneath the mirage of cool,
As tis its light gives the sky hue,
tis its scorch the oasis comes to view.

as its light aids life,
its heat sometimes takes,
as it is a blessing,
it can be as much a curse.

But without the sun,
there be no life, as we know it.

The Sun

2009-06-29T09:33:00.002+08:00

how do u explain life in a few words....

2009-06-23T14:43:00.000+08:00

You can't.......

in a nutshell, life is complicated...

Heh!

Selfish vs Self preservation

2009-06-23T10:53:00.003+08:00

There is a thin line between selfishness and self preservation. Like the mix up between ego and dignity. Huge difference between bruising someone's ego and bruising someone's dignity. Tho both hurts but the former is more acceptable to the latter.

When you act out of the need of saving yourself, life or death situation, do or die, that is self preservation. True you may have to overstep some boundaries, or step on someone's toes, but sometimes its inevitable for your survival. It may be a commendable sometimes it maybe condemnable act. depends on the given situation. but it is done out of necessity, not pleasure. But when you act similarly out of pleasure, then you are merely being selfish...definitely NOT commendable.

When you do something selflessly, that is altruism...
Now,that is a totally different level of self...
Self minus Self.
Heh!

Aku mau semuanya mudah...

2009-06-22T15:47:00.000+08:00

Apa giler ke?

Hahahahaha...

Tak salah, wishing kan??

Arghhhh....

2009-06-22T10:07:00.001+08:00

Kenapa Humayrah? Kenapa?

Kenapa kau invite ku ke pet society?

Ya salah kau, kerana tidak menolak! (dialog Nur Kasih)

ROFL =))

hah...

2009-06-21T14:29:00.002+08:00

Don't wake me up,
lest i'd find rainbow,
outside my window.

I don't want to wake up,
I don't want to face my fears,
Sleep is my refuge.

I don't want to wake up,
But I don't want to dream,
I have no control over them.

I don't want to wake up,
I just want to sleep,
But please....... no dreams.

Aku rasa bodoh...

2009-06-20T17:00:00.002+08:00

Apa hah aku nak cakap? Tadi aku cakap kat supervisor aku, saya rasa sangat bodoh Dr. Dia kata baguslah. Aku kata: tak bagus, sebab bila aku rasa sangat bodoh, aku jadi teragak-agak buat kerja. Aku hilang keberanian. Confidence level zero...

Fuh.........nothing else feels like feeling stupid...and its a vicious cycle....i feel stupid, i can't work, then i feel even more stupid, then i can't work....on and on and on......

Arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhsss

Cemanala agaknya orang yang rasa dia pandai ek?

Hmm rasa cam nak gi kopitiam minum kopi....lagi......

Giler....

On being in your 30s

2009-06-19T17:45:00.003+08:00

Well at my age, i have pass the i-need-approval-from-everyone phase. I went thru enough shit to know, the only thing that matters is what God and the people who matter to me think of me especially ME.

I went seen enough to know that oh-he-is-to-die-for virtually none existent. No man deserves that except the Prophet Muhammad and your father or brother or someone who is willing to die for you. I mean i have yet to meet one. As far as i am concerned no man is that in-disposable (sorry not being haughty here its just the truth). Because if he had to choose, he'd probably put his feelings before yours anyway. I seen too many unfaithfulness.

I met more jerks than i care to. None of them is worth my thoughts. Much less my heartache. Perhaps if i find one that is, i would change my view and blog abt it. lol.

I am sure there are guys out there who are willing to give their all only i haven't met them yet. Or they think i don't deserve it. Just because i don't spit what i really think of him in his jerk-face, doesn't mean i am at his disposal.

I mean some men tend to think women would fall at his feet and drool just because he says a few words of flattery, flash his money, or try to trance you with his dazzling smile or penetrating gaze... If i was 18 i would probably fall for all that....

however....experience taught me that if you have to decline, you don't have to bruise his ego... Doesn't matter how much you ache inside to shout it to his face to "**ck off idiot", always back off peacefully and show regret, even if u don't give a shit...you make less enemy that way... Ahahaha. I will not deny if the guy think i am mourning his departure... i mean what have i got to lose? Boost his ego, and as long as i get rid of him, and i don't lose anything of importance :p. Hahahahaha.

Whatever..

I learned self respect and self reliance are important. Its a big world and there are so many people who would take and not hesitate to take advantage of a woman if she is not careful.

Self preservation..... sometimes you have to let the 'animal' instinct lead. The fight or flight mode. Sometimes its wise to stand and fight, sometimes its wiser to take flight....hehe

In your 30s, you should probably be settled on who you are, where you are going. that is one thing i haven't acquired yet.

Heh! Am i qualified to talk about being in my 30s then? A friend of mine said, to him i am always this carefree adolescent, hmm i cannot disagree with him. Heh!

Ahahahahahaha Giler!

Aku masih aku...

2009-06-18T19:25:00.001+08:00

cuma aku lega...walaupun kerja banyak tapi aku dah tak berapa nak gila...

Alhamdulillah...

Lari

2009-06-17T16:14:00.002+08:00

Sejauh mana aku lari,
Aku akan kembali ke sini,

Kemana saja aku lari,
Kembali juga aku ke sini,

Kemana saja arah ku lari,
Aku akan tuju ke sini,

kerana,

Kau yang aku rindui...
Izinkan lah aku kembali.

Apakah....??

2009-06-17T16:09:00.003+08:00

Hanya Dia yang tau...

cukuplah! Dia dan malaikat-malaikat penjaga yang tau..

sebab aku pun tak tau......

You can't run away from who you are

2009-06-16T22:50:00.002+08:00

Its stupid when one tries to run away from the person one really is. How long can you live the lie? The worst thing one can do is to deny what you are...

To hell with the rest of the world. Its you that you have to live with...It takes more strength to be true to yourself than it is to anyone else, cos you know what you are.

You can't lie to 1. God, 2. yourself.

Its time to live honestly..

I am aite with living with the rest of the world..

2009-06-15T15:56:00.000+08:00

sometimes its me that i can't live with...

I never asked to be understood

2009-06-14T16:16:00.002+08:00

I gave that up a long time ago. An outcast. Always is, always will be. I am done trying to fit in. I have come to terms with being different..in a sense...

I am weird. Weird things happen to me. Things that only i know. Those who were involved, know.

I am this, yet i am not. I am not that, yet i am. I have my demons. Everyone does. Something all of us have to face alone. Our demons.

Not trying to paint any picture to the world. I am living the way i know how. Expect nothing, demand nothing, owe everything?

To say life is easy is an oversimplification. Nothing is ever easy. yet it is.

Life is just is.

Tadi aku jalan kaki..

2009-06-14T10:11:00.002+08:00

Aku lalu sebuah rumah, lengkap segala... aku terfikir, ni ke yang aku nak? Aku rasa macam tak..

Masalahnya aku tak tau apa aku nak...rumah besar? Bukan... kerja besar? Bukan...

Aku nak apa sebenarnya...

ENtah...dari dulu sampai skrg aku tak tau apa aku cari...

Aku tau....tapi aku tak buat. That's why i am miserable..

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

On Love..

2009-06-11T13:57:00.002+08:00

Loving someone is not about ending up together,
Or having the love returned,

Its about NOT being selfish,

Its about putting the person's happiness before yours,

Its not about about you,

Its about the one you love.

Love demands nothing,

It just gives and gives

Its will be sweet relationship when both parties think the same way, in that way, both will never have to ask, understand me, love me, give me attention, fulfill my needs, etc...

Otherwise, its when you have a relationship,love becomes selfish...

Sweetest thing someone ever said to me...

2009-06-09T15:34:00.000+08:00

I just want to protect you....

Tempting but stupid...

2009-06-09T08:44:00.002+08:00

How can i be tempted by something as stupid as spider solitaire?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

On relationships..

2009-06-08T16:35:00.007+08:00

How can you have a relationship when you can't share all? You can. Perhaps you should. is it wise to tell all to your partner? Perhaps not. Perhaps you shouldn't ask.

If i was with someone, i don't want to know if he still loves his ex. Or if he still thinks of her. I don't want to know how many women he has slept with, if he did, or if he ever did a guy. But i would like to know if he has std. LOL. That comes in my territory if i were to marry him. But if he chooses to tell me, out of his own peace of mind, i would let him talk. Will i love him the same later, if i was really in love, i would love him even more for opening up to me. That means he trusts me. It's a big deal for guys to be vulnerable with you..it means he is putting his heart in your hands..With his huge ego and all, it is a big deal.

But think, how can you be with someone and share your darkest secrets with someone else? And how can you share your darkest secrets with someone who will judge you? Can you be at peace with yourself later? More importantly he make peace with it? Will he look at you the same? His answer will probably the same as mine. But as a person it can be difficult not to judge.

In the end, what is it that you want out of the relationship? The person, or the ideals? If you want the person, take the package, if you want your ideals, find one who is already there, because it almost always, doesn't work both ways.

So if you are not prepared to face the truth, then perhaps you shouldn't ask...Ignorance can be a bliss.

Bila aku kata aku sayang..

2009-06-08T14:49:00.003+08:00

Maknanya aku sayang la..
Sayang aku tu luas,tak seluas sayang Tuhan,
itu pasti
Tapi masih boleh spread over ramai orang...
Takpa jangan susah hati,
Aku sayang, bukan makna aku cinta,
Sayang saja...Sesama manusia.

Tak sempurna iman seorang Islam hingga dia sayang saudaranya seperti dirinya sendiri.

Kamu Islam?
Harus......

Apa lagi hujah aku untuk tidak sayang kamu?

Alter Ego

2009-06-08T12:54:00.000+08:00

For as long as i could remember, i have always had a dark side. If i wasn't me i would probably be a baker by day and an assassin by night.

There was this movie of a killer with soul. He plants flowers and meticulously clean. He took in a child, she helped him appease himself, taught him to read and write. He later sacrifised himself, when he killed the dirty cop who killed her family and left her all his savings for her to start over. He finally found a cause to live. Or die, for that matter. It was poignant, beautiful and romantic, there was a sweet sense of love and respect for each other, it swept me away.

the things i find beautiful..the beauty in the seemingly ugly characters. The ugliness somehow made the beauty stands out.

Though i can never find anything beautiful in jack the ripper's character, he was a sadistic murderer....there is nothing romantic about that. Edgar Allan Poe wrote tales of different kind of darkness.too dark and morbid even for me...erksss.

The other Boleyn girl

2009-06-08T12:47:00.001+08:00

It disgusts me to watch this tale of a man's greed, lust and selfishness and a woman's ambition, betrayal and vengeance. The world of women ruled by the lust of a king, greed of a father. Brought down by ambition and vengeance of a woman. And selfishness of all.

The king took a woman from her husband, made her love him, and then abandon her for her sister whom he later desired. The reason because, she challenged him, beguiled him, bedazzle him, dangled him, made him want her so bad, and by that, led him into doing despicable things he later regretted.

Its all a game people play, to proof themselves. The satisfaction on attaining what they want, just because others will not let them have. The sense of triumph. Pursuing something just above reach, hoping, not knowing if they can.

The way she played him, he desires her because she resisted. Yes men love challenge. She made him abandon his wife, risk his kingdom, lose his faith, just because she kept him at an arm's length, with promises of passion and an heir. He wanted an heir. so bad.She used that against him, told him she will give him sons. He gave in to her demands.

Is she worth it? The desire will probably turn to hate later, when things go wrong and guilt sets in. Is it all worth it? The cruelty, the pain, the betrayal...in order for a man to be free of guilt is ti be void of conscience. is it worth

i don't know.

Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves to why we actually want something. Because as amusing as it is, we may end up not wanting it. When its not all we expected it to be. I am sure there is a metaphore for that. Something that looks better than it actually is.

At some point of time, sometimes, we do wish we knew better.

Empty Stomach...

2009-06-08T12:46:00.002+08:00

Brain is working overtime. Sometimes i feel tired, my brains never stop working. I ease my spine, relax my body, my temples stop throbbing, still my brain runs. Its not even constructive. Random thoughts, run havoc through my head, or is it my brains?

Just because the brain is in the head, we assume that we think with the head. Sometimes i wonder if the cognitive brain is really inside the brain. Its more of a virtual thing, i think. Otherwise, memories, could be extract from one person and transferred into another, physically. LIke hdd.Heh!

What about the feeling part of the brain?

The one that is called emotions.They call it heart, but it is still a part of the brain activity. Not in the heart. The heart just pumps blood, or is it a misnomer, to feel with the heart...perhaps it should be called something else now that the heart is a physical thing that beats in the chest.

Thats the kind of stuff that goes on in my head.. I am not crazy. I am not that special.
Sometime, somewhere, someone has thought about it. I mean the things that goes on in one person's head is not totally different from the other person's. We are surrouded by common parameters, its only natural we tend to think the same way. Like when we gaze at the same blue sky, i am sure millions of people has at least once asked themselves, what makes the sky blue?

Get what i mean?

Once i said something, as long as i am moving withing my space i have no affect on anyone else, therefore i am not obligated to anyone else, or something along that line, she asked me did u read 'whatshisname's book? I said no, never heard of him.... yet we had the same thoughts.

Sometimes we share feelings, like when we are on an airplane, i am sure most of us felt fear, maybe some don't, or have gotten over that feeling. But its still a common feeling when we share the same circumstances.

So we are not all that different. Not all that special. Somewhere, someone out there understands what we are going through. Unless you the only surviving victim of extra terresterial abduction, most probably there will be someone that understands.

Freud once said, all problems are brought about by libido. Only in religious terms its called desire, we are told to keep out desires in check. I mean i am not sure what the arabic term is..

God needs nothing, He is above all. Human have needs, he is needy. The more needs he has, the more vulnerable he will become.

Oh wow! Mulder just told scully she makes him a whole person, how sweet. Is it possible to be in love with someone without needing, desiring, the person all at the same time?

I don't know why i am always trying to reason out feelings. I should just stop...but i know one thing that i need right now. I need........................... food...

Maghrib is at 7++.

Hmmmmm

Empty stomach thoughts.

Pls..

2009-06-08T12:46:00.001+08:00

Don't punish me for the things i don't know,
For there is much i don't know.

Teach me of things that i don't know,
for there is much i need to know.

Forgive my mistakes, God,
For the things that i didn't know,

Because i just didn't know better..

Damn!

2009-06-04T10:34:00.000+08:00

I tell myself,
He is not a boy,
and i am not a girl,
we are just people.
Damn! i wish it was that simple. :|

When he is around,
I tell myself,
He is not a boy,
I am not a girl.
Damn! That is difficult. :(

When he's with a girl,
I tell myself,
So? He is not my boy,
and I am not a girl.
But Damn!! My stupid heart. :~(

Hahaha,

i laugh cos its funny.. =))
I feel like an idiot, :P
Denying that he is a boy, when
He hardly sees me as a girl..
Damn! This whole business..

WTF???

So?
What should i do?
I guess,
Do what i have to.

I'll live..

One day, I'll talk to him,
and i will think,
so, he is only a boy,
and i am not a girl.
That would be the day.....

:P

But for now...
Damn! I wish...
Damn! =))

Monolog petang time tak leh wat keje..

2009-06-03T16:49:00.002+08:00

Andai boleh aku sms kepada Tuhan,
Ya Allah, kuatkanlah hati aku,
menghadapi dunia ini dan dugaannya,

Andainya Dia sudi membalasnya,
dengan kata-kata,
Sabarlah Khadijah,
tidak Ku jadikan sesuatu itu dengan sia-sia.

Andaikan... :)

Tetapi dunia ini tidak begitu.
Walau Dia tahu apa yang aku lalui,
Aku tidak layak menerima utusan daripadanya,
Seperti Rasul-rasulNya.

Aku perlu membuka mata hati,
untuk memerhati,
pesanan-pesanan yang ditinggalkanNya,
di sana, di sini,
mungkin dalam diriku,

Dan memikirkan,
lalu berharap Dia mengizinkan aku faham,
tanda-tandaNya,
sebagaimana orang terdahulu dariku
yang telah selamat di sana.

Apalah sangat dunia ini Khadijah..
penuh dengan ilusi,
yang diciptakan oleh pencintanya,
Apakah aku mampu mengatasi pencinta-pencinta itu?
Ataukah akan kau jadi pencintanya yang paling agung?
Ntahlah Khadijah, aku pun tak tau..

Apalah sangat keseronokan dunia ini Khadijah,
Kekalnya tidak,
Datang ia sebentar,
Sedang kita meniti saat yang satu,
sesaat lepas telah pergi,
yang akan datang belum tentu.

Apa yang kau harapkan dari dunia ini Khadijah?
Aku pun tak tau,
Aku seperti arnab yang lari dari pemburuku,
meredah alam, merentas padang,
dengan harapan, sampainya aku di sana "unscathe"..ah aku tak tau apa perkataan itu dalam Melayu

tapi aku telah kehilangan sebahagian diri aku,
mungkin telingaku juga telah rabit,
kukuku koyak, gigi arnabku patah,
buluku berlumpur,
dihadirkan aku di dunia seekor arnab sempurna,
kembalikah aku sebagai arnab yang sempurna?
Seharusnya, setidak-tidaknya arnab yang masih cukup sifatnya, walau huduh sekalipun,
Jika tidak sebagai kuda yang sepantas kilat.

Mampukah aku?
Ntahla Khadijah..aku tidak punya jawapan untuk soalan itu.

separuh hidup telah berlalu,
telahkah aku manfaatkan sewajarnya?
Aku pun tak tau..

Apa saja lah yang aku tau?
Akupun tak tau..

Yang aku pasti tahu hanya satu,
Aku akan mati,
Bilanya belum tau,
Ngerinya.....
Masih aku tak tau...

Dunia ini sangat menakutkan bagi aku,
bukan luasnya,
bukan kejamnya,
tapi aku,
apa yang ia boleh jadikan aku.
hilangnya kemanusiaanku?
pertimbanganku? imanku? harga diriku?
yang kemudiannya akan ditanya kepada ku.

Sudah sediakah jawapanku?
Apakah alasanku?

Aku tidak punya alasan,
untuk kelalaian,
untuk melupakan,
untuk kejahilan,
kerana semua telah dipermudahkan.

Takut siot....

Semakin tua aku, semakin aku konfius..
Tak relevan....

Arghhhss

2009-06-03T11:36:00.003+08:00

Today is not a good day. I meandered, wondering what the hell am i to do.

So i called my second supervisor, and he told me, we have to prepare proposal for presentation.... arrrrgh. My day just got worse.......

I have a proposal on top of all the mess i have in my head. Arrrghhhsssss...

Aku tau, engkau tau apa yang mata ku tau...
Apa lagi yang kau tunggu?
Mau aku buka pintu???

Arrrrghhhhhhhh perlu ke ????????? Hahaha, sapa suruh wat phd.......*hmm padan muka..*

Gile...

2009-06-02T12:40:00.002+08:00

Memang giler, macam-macam giler ade..hehehehehe

Tiba-tiba semalam aku happy giler, pas aku solat.

Aku nampak muka manusia ni, sama macam aku tengok hari ni tapi versi tua. Apakah maknanya?

Kenapa semua benda harus ada makna? Sebab semua benda harus ada makna. Itu sunnah kot. Apa pun aku happy hari ni.

Kerana? Ntah aku tak tau, aku tak perlu tau kenapa aku happy, asal saja aku happy.

Napa perlu explanation untuk perkara yang baik. Alhamdulillah :). Doa pun bahagia dunia akhirat je kan, perluke buh bahagia macam si A, c B.

Bahagia itu abstrak, embrace it when its there. Just feel, let yourself be lost in it.

Because the next moment you won't know, what state you will be in..

Bencinta...

2009-06-01T09:25:00.001+08:00

Adakah bila aku rasa nak tampar dan cium dia pada masa yang sama?

Hahaha.. gile.

Abaikan saja..

Kenapa kau tak kawen lagi?

2009-06-01T09:08:00.004+08:00

Soalan itu selalu saja di aju pada aku,
Kau tunggu apa? Dia turun dari langit?
Jawab aku, aku pun tak tau...
Aku tunggu sapa turun dari mana..

Kau nak apa lagi? Dia tu begini dah, begitu dah,
Jawab aku, aku pun tak tau lah..
Memang dia ok, tapi ntah, takda feel.. hahaha
Boleh gitu?

Kau nak tunggu umur berapa?
Jawabku, Ntahla...aku pun tak tau,
Aku belum rasa cukup dewasa?
Temanku masih, tom & jerry, ben-10 sekali sekala ..
Errrrr....macam tu ke? bukan dah dekat 40 ke?
Hehehe... ye ke?

Ntah, aku pun tak tau sapa, apa aku tunggu.
Yang pasti belum ada yang mampu membuka semua pintu hati aku..
Aku menunggu takdir,
Mungkin esok,
mungkin lusa,
mungkin..
Mungkin hujung tahun ni..

Sapa tau..?
Sebab aku memang tak tau...

----------------------------------------------------------
Untuk sahabatku Zai yang baru melayari bahtera rumahtangga semalam, moga
Allah memberikan kebahagiaan buat mu dan suami tercinta, dunia akhirat.
Ok, sesama aminkan ek...lagi ramai lagi bagus :)

Me...

2009-05-24T16:35:00.003+08:00

I feel shitty today....i dunno why...i just do...the things i cannot control...the things i hate, the things i hate, the things i love, the things i do, the things i cannot do. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

On boobs....

2009-05-23T18:48:00.001+08:00

My friend commented, someone once addressed her boobs instead of her....

Hahahahahahahahaha, i totally get what she feels..it happened to me too, dia baru lepas amek air semayang, he was talking to my boobs, giving orders to me...ROFL

Lepas amek air semayang tu.......my boobs overshadow me...

My perpetual confusion.

2009-05-23T08:27:00.003+08:00

Its amazing how someone can stay in a state of confusion for as long as i can.

It just says i refuse to understand.

Truth is, because i cannot accept things as they are.

Denials are not healthy.

Lying to yourself is not healthy.

And right now my body is telling me, i need food...at least there is something NOT confusing. :P

Why do people make love?

2009-05-21T23:25:00.017+08:00

To demonstrate the complexity of my thinking...hahahahhahahaha...

What is the indication of sincerity when a man says he wants you?

If a guy wants to marry you so u can bear him children that would take care of him when he is old, therefore is he sincere?

and another who wants to have a taste of you cos he thinks you're hot, he sincerely wants to sleep with you, that much is apparent..

And there was this guy who said, "well we were introduced in view for marriage, if you want to pursue the relationship, i am in, if you are not, its fine also"...This man sincerely looking for a wife, but where does that put u? Someone who happens to be around? Or are they suppose to fall in love in due time, or what?

Were any of them sincere? I don't know.

I just don't get it....

Its damned when someone just wants to have sex with you but doesn't want to take care of you.

Then again, is it any better if somebody wants to be with you, take care of you, but not to make love to you? That sounds like your mom doesn't it or a gay friend..

And if he wants to take care of you and make love to you and a few other women, does it mean he is NOT really in love with you? Yeah...blame it on his hormones..

Its all so confusing....I don't really know what goes on in that head of his, then again, i don't understand what goes on in my mind either, why do I want him?

ROFL!

I dunno, i think i still have a lot to learn about birds and bees...and me.

Then again, the reason for mating (for any species) is to produce off-springs for continuum of man-kind (did i use the right word, continuum?). Then why the hell am i making it so complicated, as long as he has the male gamete and she has the female counterpart, mate already!? (DUH!!!)..

Its a complicated world out there.....

BUT.....i think its much complicated in here (my head)..

:P

To be wanted....

2009-05-21T23:08:00.009+08:00

A friend of mine said, its nice to be wanted.

Frankly, i don't know. WANTED...WANTED...WANTED... for? want what from me? What is that? How is that?

I don't know the difference between being desired and wanted. It has always boggled me if a guy says he wants me, it would be because he loves me or he just wants to f*ck me? Ouch! that sounds harsh doesn't it? but that is the reality of it.I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I don't know if i should be happy or sad...Because i don't understand why....What for? To do his house chores? run his errands? warm his bed?? What?? Aren't those the things that are expected of a wife in this society??? He must want you for something...power? sex? Love? Money? Children? Pride? Joy? Need?

If he finds you desirable and he wants to hold you and touch you, is that a good thing? But if you love someone its natural that you want to touch him and you would want him to touch you. Women are disturbed sometimes when a guy touches her against her will.. But some men just want to touch you but they don't love you. I don't understand this...I can't accept this. I don't think i ever will. i'd feel violated.

Hey....I am a bitch, not a slut. Some respect please! Even tho i may look like I am inviting (hahahahahaha, ok i admit, my bad...i am a tease) but seriously... I am not. :P..or maybe i do...i don't know...

Wuteva...!

I am still hoping to meet the one who actually wants to "give" (more than just his sperms)..without asking for anything in return..Yeah! dream on!

Then again, why do I want him? Probably for the same reasons he wants me.. Mujur baru kalau ada org nak..hahahaha.

That is another monolog in itself...

Independence has its price.

2009-05-05T11:18:00.002+08:00

I like it when people are happy. It makes me happy.

And for a selfish reason, when they are happy, they don't bother me hahahahahaha :P

People find me when they want something from me. Its normal. I can live with that.

I have yet to find someone who wants to be with me, just because. Its always about something they want, they need, it is always about them..

Its nice to be needed..it makes you feel you useful.

But I am not used to being needy. Not trained to be. Doesn't mean i don't. But most of the time i don't know how to.

Independence has its price..

The wait..

2009-05-05T11:02:00.002+08:00

here i am waiting for my proposal from my supervisor, wait...wait...wait... 3 more years to freedom.

Why am i always looking forward to freedom? I don't understand...Is my life so out of control? So far its fine, i am not doing drugs, i am not into perversions, i guess i am more or less alrite...

yea, i have no permanent job, no life plan, i am just taking it as i go. Is that so wrong? Its crazy, but its not wrong.

I believe what will be will be, its not up to me. I am just here to live the blue print, it was all laid down for me before time even exists, perhaps.

Who am i to fight destiny? If i am destined, so i shall be.

Gila!

2009-04-19T09:59:00.002+08:00

I don't know why i have always thought to much. Why? What? Why?

Whats are easier to answer than why. Why am i so confused all the time? Is it the chemicals in my head or is it genetics?

There, more questions...

=))

Self Shrinking..

2009-04-06T17:05:00.002+08:00

I usually self diagnose myself. Its crazy. I find talking to myself makes more sense than talking to a confidante. The things i cannot blurt out. The things that i can.

I am like 2 people. Not evil enough to enjoy being bad, not good enough to be a saint. I guess that describes half of the world's population. I guess it just makes me human..

I never mean to appear a certain way. I am what I am. The good, the bad and the ugly.

It is never wise to bare your soul. Especially to someone who is shallow. It needs a person of considerable depth to be able to listen without judging. Judgment after all is only God's to make. For only He truly knows a person to pass a just judgment. His bad, his good, his vice and his virtues. The delicate balance of fair judgment.

Who am i to judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge me? A wise man/woman once said, a pious person spend more time weighing out their own deeds than others.

Then again, I like to think I can avoid judging. After all it isn't my place to do so. But can avoid being judged?

I like to think i can ignore, for they don't know any better.

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction

2009-04-06T09:17:00.002+08:00

I sometimes wonder why I am here? No. I often wonder why I am here. Reason for existence. Somehow deep down i know why. I am not sure which part of it i don't understand. Or i can't accept, or i can't fathom.

I sometimes question myself, "is this it?" I am not sure what i am expecting. Is this all i was born to do. I think a lot of people feel this way, thus they call it soul searching. Looking for your calling, missing soul, purpose of life.

I think its a built in mechanism. Without this, there will be no worship, no pushing forward, no inventions, no creations.

Then when i think i almost, just almost had it all figured out...something just happens and take it all apart.

Why?

Counting days...

2009-01-28T12:42:00.003+08:00

Count down!!!!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

I like moving on...makes me feel ermssss........................

Its like looking into..

2009-01-19T07:33:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i can't help this feeling. I feel like an alien. I am looking at me, and the people around me, wondering what the hell are they doing?? What were they thinking? Why did they do that? How come its like that? Why do people look like that when they feel a certain way...why they laugh when its funny, why not something else?

i mean the association of the emotion to the action has always been that way..funny=>laugh. Why was it not funny=>sing or head stand or grimace or whatever....

I don't know if everyone else feels this way.

In a way its good, i feel like i am on tour on some foreign planet. Lolz..

I have commitment issues..

2009-01-14T10:14:00.004+08:00

I am looking forward to quitting my job. People may say, now how? I just shrug my shoulders and say, well...time to move on. I am so unsettled inside..

Yes! I acknowledge that i have a commitment problem. I cannot commit myself in a long term relationship with, work, people, places. I feel stagnant.

I have a restless heart. I feel the fear of settling down doing the same thing over for years to come. I don't know why. I just do. I always feel like I want to wake up in a different place next morning.

Is it because i fear of having to step up in the game? I mean when u are new, you only have uphill to climb, u just have to get better, and better until u get good enough. Then comes the time when u maintain, or u improve. This is where i freak out. I have the fear of not being able to do that. Fear of going downhill from there, or fear of not achieving expectations, my own and others. Thus i jump from one job to another. And i am close to settling down on my career choice. This is it. Do or die, swim or sink. I am really running out of time and out of options and out of space. I can't job-hop for the rest of my life whenever that will be.

The same in relationship, I am always making excuses not to give a chance to having a relationship, its not them, its me. When he is doing the asking, i run away, and i am always falling for the people whom i know i can't have anything with. It has been going on for as long as i can remember. I am scared, scared that i will have to succumb to him, and that i wont be able to fulfill his expectations, his family, my family, my children. Maybe i can live with his shortcomings, but can he live with mine? Then comes the question, why should he want to? why would he want me anyway? Hahahaha. Yeah i asked one man that..why me? I can't understand why me, thus i cannot accept, its just an excuse. I am just not ready to settle down. and let go of everything i think i have, which i don't really have. No man has ever made me feel secure enough for me to settle down. I am holding on to the last bit of freedom that i have. I always feel that i have no control over my life, being single, i have a certain degree of control over my own life.

Come to think of it, thats all i want. To feel that i have right and control over myself. My dad say its a masculine thought, i don't want to have control over others, i just want to have control over my own life. Is that too much to ask? What am i doing wrong?

I think nothing ever made me feel secure enough, desire enough to settle down.

I really can't think what the future might bring. I have no long term plan. I take things as i go, where i will settle next is yet to be seen. My life is full of uncertainty, then again, this IS my life.

I woke up this morning.

2009-01-12T09:53:00.002+08:00

I thank God i have another day to repent. Another day to try and make a difference. Another day to start new.

I was happy. I don't know why. But i just was. And I am just glad...

Phrase dlam CINTA - 'knape nk bgtau 1 dunia, cukup la engkau tahu, dia tahu'

2009-01-11T10:06:00.002+08:00

Ha seems like there is a lot of loving going around me. Looks that i am the only one without..

The question is: Kenapa nak bagitau satu dunia? Cukupla engkau tahu, dia tahu.

I dunno, perhaps when u love someone so much, its hard to contain it within urself. You feel like you just want to let it free.Your heart feels like a hot balloon ready to burst.

I find it hard to house everything i feel inside. I get suffocated, i have to get them out one way or another. So i write. Writing is like an external hard drive to me, i store it elsewhere so i can keep my internal hard drive free.

Haha! Hmm.. Whats your reason?

Aina ajar aku basuh...er istinjak...

2009-01-09T16:57:00.008+08:00

Kawan aku si Hana ada anak sedara nama Aina Maisarah. Aku pergi rumah dia tadi. Lepas tu si Aina ni mengangis la tak bagi aku balik. Lepas tu, dia sepak aku, macam nak halau la konon, tapi lepastu bila aku nak balik, dia nangis la pulak. Aku terfikir, hmm orang dewasa pun ada macam ni ek...dia halau kita, tapi dia tak nak kita pergi sebenarnya... hahahaha...

Lepas tu aku pun ajak la dia pergi giant. Lepastu dalam kereta, dia dok sebok suruh aku diam...aku dengar sama je macam cara aku suruh kawan aku tukar channel lagu...hek eleh....baru la aku sedar, betapa la juvana nya aku...Annoying gila siot...Sorry Bujal...baru ku tahu perasaan itu...Hahahahaaha

Lepas balik Giant, aku hantar Hana balik rumah, si kecik ni tak mau gak turun, aku pun angkutla dia g opis...Ni dekat ofis aku la ni. Sampai-sampai je dekat ofis, aku nak taip dia nak taip, letih gak aku.

Lepas tu semua benda dia tanya aku, "Mak Et, ni apa?", "Mak Et, ni buat apa?", "Aina nak taip..." semua bende dia nak picit...lepas tu tiba-tiba dia cakap...slowwwwwje.....

"MakEt...........Aina nak berak..."

Aku pun aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa "Aina, kita balik rumah ibu ye? Nanti ibu basuh..."

Dia pun kata "Taknak...Mak Et basuh....."

Aku kata "Mak Et tak pandai basuh...."

Aina pun kata sambil tepuk tepuk bontot dia..." Macam ni...ibu buat macam ni" Dia pun menggayakan lah cara ibu dia basuh...siap dengan gerak-gerak jari lagi...korang bayangkan la..

Aku pun....".........................................................."

Aku nak hantar budakni balik rumah mak dia....Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......Dia nak beraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkk.....

Atrraction?

2009-01-06T11:28:00.003+08:00

What is the basis of attraction?

They say opposites attracts. Some say like attract like.

I know i am drawn to kind hearts, wisdom, sincerity and wits. Does that mean i am mean, stupid, insincere or boring? Or does it mean i am the same?

Hahaha... i am just musing, i have a headache and i can't think straight. Everything is foggy...

"Trend" as they put it..

2009-01-02T14:21:00.017+08:00

I stumbled upon this article on yahoo, i think its a rather interesting topic, since i have a few friends who is dating younger guys, something i would never even consider doing 15 years ago. How things have changed since my days lolz.. Those days I was envious of my friends who had OLDER boyfriends..lolz

excerpt:

"There appears to be a trend of older women dating younger men, notably illustrated by celebrity couples including Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, and the most recent fling between 48-year-old Linda Hogan and 19-year-old Charlie Hill. According to a study of 50,000 women daters over 30, conducted by an online dating site in 2007, more than one-third of the subjects showed interest in men at least 5 years younger. And in 2003, an AARP survey revealed 34 percent of 3,500 women (between ages 40 and 69) dated men who are 10 or more years younger than themselves. This trend appears to be shocking to some people, but I don't find it so unusual."

So did Sheila Majid, Aida Rahim, Rita Rudaini and Rosnah Mat Aris...

" Socially, there's a role reversal of sorts going on, women are more powerful now than ever before and may want men who are younger, and perhaps, more flexible; men who can handle it if the woman's career and lifestyle takes priority over their own. Media portrayals in "Sex and the City" (like movie characters Smith Jerrod and Samantha Jones) and "Desperate Housewives" are also showing women that dates don't have to be older. Women who have high-powered careers -- or a well-developed self-image -- are exercising more choice."

Note: Women who have high-powered careers -- or a well-developed self-image -> Demi Moore is hot even in her 40s, how do they do it???

This may be a trend in the USA. But how does the society here responds to this? How do women respond to this? How do men respond to this?

Personally?

When i was in my twenties,used to have crushes on guys at least 10 years my senior, example, my boss who was 22 years older than me.

Well, then I grew into my 30s, my opinion of men, changed. I met people, i listened, i observed, i found that there is always a man in every boy and a boy in every man.. I think guys at 24 are more or less fully matured. Well same goes for women, by 24 they also stop maturing (i mean in the head, not elsewhere, wrinkles are starting to form at this age, so girls! Apply sunscreen...NOW!). So the "mental age" gap between the genders are significantly lessen. Anyways..Its just my personal observation, i could very well be wrong....

So i guess, as long as 2 people make each other happy and both parties are sincere & earnest, and there is genuine and a deep attraction & affection exists for each other, or the presence of, as a friend of mine term it, the "X-factor", age should not be the main concern. After all u may not live to see old age..like countless of people who died young..If you die at 45 thats still young..that is how u will be immortalised in the memory of the people that you love, who loves you.

I mean, there will be problems in any sort of relationships, be it older men-younger women, older women-younger men, or same age couples, it largely depends on the individual and what they are made of and how they handle things. I think the most important thing is the ability to connect and communicate with each other. Presence of mutual respect and tolerance, partners should bring out the best in each other for them to grow with the relationship.

Like they say, age after all is just a number. Speaking of numbers, David Krumholtz of Numb3rs is totally cute..lolz

Y ?????????????????????????????????

2008-12-31T12:41:00.003+08:00

Y!?????????????????????????????????????????

Y me?????????????????????????????????????

Y nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww???????????????????????????????????????????????

YYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??

What has happened to me...?

2008-12-30T09:56:00.003+08:00

I used to have linkin park's numb as my ringtone.... my favorite dashboard confessional's number was Vindicated...I used to like loud music.......

Now i am listening to Isreal Kamamawiwo’ole 's somewhere over the rainbows....

Man! What happened? I am not sure when the transition happened...

Could it be I have mellowed? Or am i getting old? Or am i in love?

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.................................tsk..

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

When its finally happened...

2008-12-30T08:39:00.004+08:00

We, or I have been waiting for the grant to be approved. Now that it finally has been approved, i feel so lost. Arghsssssss....

When i decided to do my PhD, what was i thinking???

Think of how the devil has to do his job 24/7 til end of days......i only have a lifetime....and i get to have breaks on holidays.. heeeeeeeeeee...

Come to think of it....its not that bad after all heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Drop or Not to Drop the Bomb?

2008-12-24T09:09:00.002+08:00

When someone has feeling for someone else, and you know about it. And you also happen to know that the other someone has someone else or has feelings for someone else, what do you do?

Or when u know someone likes you and you can't return their feelings, but you don't want to hurt anyone either, what do you do?

How do you break the news as gently as possible? Because you feel that that person needs to know so that he/she will not be hurt worse later?

Are you actually doing your friend a favor by telling or hiding it?

Comments anyone??

I am learning...

2008-12-22T08:58:00.007+08:00

Its not easy sharing lives with 2 guys. No i am not sharing lives in terms of "intimate" lives. LOL. First and foremost, i have no male siblings. The only man i lived with is my father, well, he is not exactly typical male...

So, actually....i have no idea what guys are like. Bf don't count, u don't live with them, and most of the time he is probably at his best behaviour to impress u anyways...so its NOT real..but this is real...

We will be working together for the next 3 years. Means our lives will be intertwine in more ways than one...

Come to think of it, its kinda similar to marriage. Without the intimate involvement. I mean its a commitment, we need to build this thing together i guess similar to raising a family. We will need to understand one another, tolerate one another, support one another, respect one another, be friends with one another, rely on one another..... if not love another...lolz. I think eventually we may even develop affection for one another. Then there is & will be emotional involvement... There maybe times when we will feel like strangling one another, or hugging one another, or slapping one another or whatever else there is to feel when you are with family.

Just hope we never get to actually doing it. LOLZ!

Hey B i am sorry i made u drive, :P u really resent it didn't u...and A sorry for making u feel guilty... I am learning guys...please bear with me.

I wish someone would tell me what to do...

2008-12-21T16:43:00.001+08:00

I wish.................................................

My crush..

2008-12-21T11:42:00.003+08:00

Someone asked me about my crush today.. Uh.. So i have a crush.. so what?

Yeah, i think he is cool, in more ways than one ... :) hey if I didn't think so, i won't be crushing on him.. :P

Then again, if its going to happen, it will happen.. If not, i am just glad we are friends..

If there was one thing i could learn from the devil..

2008-12-17T09:07:00.002+08:00

Ok this may sound crazy, and i am not blasphemous.

Well, u all know the devil.. i don't mean like personal close friends or anything, but he is the one who 'leads sons of Adam astray'. Yes! the first thing we should learn is that God is displeased with arrogance, so as far as we can...keep arrogance at bay..

But.. did u ever stop and think that the devil have some positive attitudes towards achieving his goals?

While we are always blaming things on the devil when we screw up. "Oh...i was possessed by demons", or "ooo the devil in me drove me"... and stuff...

but hey...why blame him when we are the ones who are weak? I mean its his ROLE to lead people astray.. he made that promise to God, and he is doing his darnest best to keep it. That is another thing we can learn from him.. Try ur darnest best to keep ur promises (hopefully good ones..).

Another thing, do you realise how he can inject his needle into almost everything that we do?

When you do something good, he will whisper, "Oh! u r so good, nobody is as good as u" and then u will probably go.."as if..." then he will go on.. "i mean who would do that for that loser but u???" then we will go like "hmmm...come to think of it...maybe i am..." HAH! He got u there that is what is called "ujub" i heard this in the mosque a long time ago...its a state of being awed at urself.. Its a sin. There....one for the Devil, zero for u..

or u have to go do something urgent and important, like finish this report and he goes "come on u have time for a blog....while waiting for that data..." and you think "i think i have 5 mins to write a blog..." then u log on and voila...before u know it u spent a good 15 minutes there. There i go blaming the devil....lolz

See...he is smart...and he works hard, he works relentlessly, and he is crafty and manipulative and creative!! Otherwise how could he have conjured such and such scene in our heads about..well stuff....some of it may come from us, but he will try and insert his elements in it...trust me.. He is at every corner and every turn..He is persistent..

Now that is some attributes i think we should have too...in a good way..

Hehehehe...

Actually i am under stress...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh suddenly i am thinking of quitting...then i thought if the devil can do it..why can't i? After all he has an eternity to do it... i only have a lifetime, and possibly just 2 years to complete it... Hmmmmmmmm yea...i can last that long...

InshaAllah. God help me...

Its happening!

2008-12-16T18:20:00.000+08:00

OK so finally...they asked for our bank account number...woohooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes and that means i will have a tonnes of work to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally... and i hope, FINALLY...

2008-12-12T19:34:00.002+08:00

They say, we will get the money. And 12 months to come up with a product. Aite.....this is it...... i guess...time to get working..

Ouccccccccccccccccch! My finger hurts...how am i going to work???

Arghs!!!!!!

Happiness is..?

2008-12-10T14:29:00.002+08:00

Almost everything we do is so that we can be happy...

but what is it? Is it more money? More degrees? More love? More power? Power tools? Expensive knives? Less burden? Less problem? Is it when u get something ur heart desires?

If so then how come sometimes when u finally have all that, u still feel something is amiss?

What is it then this Happiness...? That elusive, intangible something...

I think happiness is just the state of being....contented and fulfilled, the feeling that you desire for nothing more than what we already have... u need nothing more than what is there.

Happiness = contentment?

Debatable...?

Hey! Its just a personal opinion, my 2 cents worth.. need not be true..then again, its true nuff for me...

Still no news

2008-12-08T19:10:00.003+08:00

Well they say no-news is good news....i hope so, i haven't heard from the committee, did we get thru or not?

Arghss....waiting is hmph...

Home..

2008-12-07T14:56:00.005+08:00

Often times i feel i am far away from home.

Often times I feel like i walk someone else's steps, living in someone else's life. Sometimes my life feels like a deja-vu. Sometimes it feels like watching me go through something that should have happened in another lifetime.

As i watch the Avatar (yeah cartoon series) about how Zuko's uncle shed tears for a nephew he raised, I cannot fathom how such deep-rooted love could come to.... Sometimes i cannot fathom these emotions that humans feel, the things i feel. What governs this emotion? Are they biological? Are they divine?

I don't know...I have no answer to that, but this much i know about me: It is my heart that's without a home, and for as long as my heart is homeless... I can be anywhere and still not be home.

Sometimes i feel i am so far away from home

2008-12-07T14:37:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i feel i am so far away from home..

No matter where i go, i have never found home.

A place where i feel i belong.

My place.

They say home is where the heart is. Its my heart that hasn't have a home.

I guess until i find the place where my heart resides, i will always be away from home...

I have always want to do this....

2008-12-07T13:26:00.002+08:00

If God permits...apart from the "duties" that must be fulfilled like Hajj and stuff la kan...

I want to have breakfast all day.......i mean i want start having breakfast in Japan and work my way back to breakfast in....what is the westest place??

Hehehe...i would still having 3 meals, just 3 times breakfast :P.......

Yeah, i am crazy...what can i say..

I LOVE technology

2008-12-07T13:18:00.005+08:00

I am so happy that my work is done and it was made so easy by ONE button "export". I have no words to describe it... :P now i have time to go home and cook for my parents..

PHEW!!!! God bless!!!!!!!!!!!

Come to think of it.............

How the Pharaoh in his days, had so much wealth yet he couldn't fly business class, how he couldn't have a tablet, or the latest blackberry or gold plated mobile phones, or ferraris, or plasma TV or all the other modern day gadgets...that define a man/woman :P. Lucky for him he doesn't know what he is missing....:P

All the money that he cannot buy....

Hmmmm i am so glad i was born in the 20th century..hehehe :P

Oh yeah, but he had a harem of women waiting for him, i guess that to a man is already too good LOLZ.

I must be having PMS

2008-12-07T10:39:00.005+08:00

I have so many things going thru my head right now. I don't where to begin.

First there is this summary i have to write.
2nd - parents are coming over this evening, meaning i have to finish by then.
3rd - i am feeling discombobulated, i hate feeling this way. Like everything is everywhere!

I ended up looking up George Micheal's careless whisper lyrics. Duh! As if it will solve my problems. I am just looking for distraction.

And i think Lara Croft is awesome, she is my laptop screen saver, it must be cool to have a life like that, not to mention a body like that lolz..Ok...so when am i going to hit the gym again? I can't afford to let the kgs to creep back on.. I should remind myself of that 6-pax before my next birthday goal. Another distraction!

Oh now comes this song warwick avenue. Such a sad song,

when i get to warwick ave, wait for me at the tube something, we can talk things over na na na..

Ah another sad song - Hujan- Aku janji? Henti menangis, jangan difikirkan duka..biarkan dia jauh nun di sanaaaaa.....oooooooooooo ooooooooooooo oooooooooo janji ku kan pulang apapun jua...jangankan terjadi nanti sukar untuk kujelaskan rindu iniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, woooooooooo sukar untuk ku jelaskan, pada muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

Ternyata- ku lihat dia pandangan pertama....ternyata, indah, senyuman meliriknya, ku ingin dia saat pertama, berjumpa dengannya, membuat..aku gelisah, waktu pun berlalu, hari demi hari, hati pun dambakannya untuk bercinta lagi.......errr too slow, for the moment.. next!!!

Careless whisper- george micheal! is so hot and so gay! *sigh* the song is nice i think he is talking abt the girl friend he cheated..something.. to the heart and mind ignorance is kind, there is no comfrot in the truth, pain is all u find.... saddddddddddddddddddddd! NEXT!

Gotta be somebody-Nickelback. Love these guys! Awesome vocal. The one we all dream of, i been waiting for the real thing, the moment when we are... na na na can't catch the lyrics.....nobody wants to be last one there, everyone want to feel that someone cares..theres got to be somebody for me like that.. na nanana. AWESOME!!!! Tonite out in the streeet in the moonlite...na na na could this be the end, i find the one i spend forever with...chorus.

And the song Crush keeps reeling in my head....last night he realised that she could feel the same way for him and he is going nuts...ermmmm i can relate to that.. lolz i hung up the phone tonight something happen for the first time, deep inside there's a rush, theres a rush...na na na u got me hypnotised, so mesmerised... great song..something i thnk everyone can relate to..mmmmm has it ever cross ur mind, when we hang out spending time, na na na...

then the song Everything by Micheal Bubble..LOVE IT! You are the carousel...na na na.. its so apparent that she means so much to him. This song says it all! WOW! Awesome!!!

Somewhere over the rainbow - this song is sooooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooothing! Why didn't i find this sooner. I could listen to this all day long.....a million times a day....i hear babies cry and watch them grow....na na na

i am trying to understand the songs, that is why i avoid listening to certain songs at certain time because i get distracted because i actually listen to the 'story' behind it!!!!!!!!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I am so easily distracted... I got to get hold of myself!!!!!!!!!!

OK Khadijah! Thats it! Back to work!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

2008-12-06T11:33:00.007+08:00

I was in denial..but last 2 nights, I just had to admit to myself.... who am i kidding?

Now that the most important part, being honest with myself, is done, comes the hardest part...how do i deal with this??

Hmm......sometimes ignorance is bliss...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got it!

2008-12-03T12:20:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulillah!

All the sleepless nights..Thanks to Dr A for the effort and dua, Dr Y for the presentation and all the members that was involved!

Thank Allah.

:)

MY Absolute Boyfriend?

2008-12-01T01:57:00.007+08:00

Someone asked me to watch Absolute Boyfriend.

I thought wow! IF only he exists.

If i were to answer that questionnaire, what would my answers be?

Personal traits
1. Responsible? - Very
2. Devotion level? - scale 1-10 i'd say 9
3. Intelligence? Intelligent enough to understand me and figure me out and vice versa
4. Loyal? Definitely! What woman/man wouldn't want taht...?
5. Sincere - Yes please!
6. Romantic? Bonus!
7. Flirty? Only if its with me.
8. Practical? Must be. I like the 'take charge' attitude...
9. Security level? Enough to know who he is.
10.Confidence level? Enough to make me feel secure
11. Nerd? No problem as long as he loves me
12. Polite? Only as polite as i am hahahaha!
13. Affectionate? Definitely!
14. Maturity level? High
15. Funny? Definitely
16. Nag? Uh..isn't that suppose to be my role?
17. Considerate? Definitely
18. Down to earth? Yes
19. Crazy? Just enough to spice up our lives. He is after all my partner in crime:P

Age
20. No preference

Skills
21. Handiman? Preferably.
22. Culinary ? - Any level.
23. Seamster? I have a tailor...
24. Martial arts? oooooooo macho...
25. Motor repair? Bonus
26. Other skills? Ermss...

Likes
27. ME! Definitely!
28. Sports? no preference
29. Cars? no preference
30. Videao games? I think i can tolerate that...
31. Outdoors? No problem
32. Music? As long as its not before 70s...and i like gamelan..

Physical Appearance
33. Height? Don't care, as long as he is taller than me.
34. Hair? straight
35. Skin color? Darker than i am
36. Eye color? Ermssss no preference
37. Body type ? not skinny

Achievement
38. Rich? I wouldn't like him any better if he was...
39. Career? Whatever makes him happy as long as its legal and pays..

Expectation level?
40. NOT a perfectionist, i can't stand thinking i am never going to be good enough for him.

Sexuality
41. Sexual orientation? Straight as a pole.
42. How horny should he be? They asked that in that movie...errrr i reserve my comments here..:P

There...that was not so much to ask is it? :P

Its 2 am

2008-12-01T01:55:00.002+08:00

I am at the office. Downloading papers to digest, if i still can, tomorrow. I have a meeting tomorrow at 9 am then again at 12.

What did i get myself into? Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

His voice..

2008-11-30T08:26:00.005+08:00

The sound of his voice flowed into my ears, and i taste liquid chocolate on my tongue...

Silky, sweet and sensuous..

Man! This is scary.... :P

There are times when i just feel someone is thinking of me

2008-11-27T16:12:00.002+08:00

But the question is, does that person really think of me? Its kinda strange and eerie if u think about it...

I mean in the past, i just pick up the phone and just call someone without really knowing why, and the person on the other end would just say, 'hey i was just thinking of calling you' . That could be, she/he is trying to be nice to me hahahahaha..one possibility. but it happens so many times. Its like i have a radar that pick ups vibes when they send signal 'Dijah..Dijah...Dijah" into space. Hahahahaa!

Sometimes it comes with varied emotions. Once i felt shivers ran through my spine, i felt sharp hatred piercing my bones. Someone was thinking of me with such hatred....Eerie..........Sometimes it comes with different kind of sensation..warm, sweet, melancholic, erms even hot lolz.

Is it because the other person is thinking of me in a certain way, with a certain feeling or i am just thinking of them cos i miss them?

Right now i see this person's face. On and off, sometimes in the background, sometimes flashes, sometimes it disappears for a period of time. Is he thinking of me too? Strange..oh well..chances are i may never find out......Unless he tells me..

Just because i like expensive knives...

2008-11-26T23:46:00.003+08:00

I cook. I am a fairly good good, i think. I mean setakat roti jala, roti tak jala, kari, muffin, cheesecake tu boleh la..

I like knives because i can do a lot of things with it. My wish-list include zwilling henckel knife. Well, u don't buy them knives everytime there is a sale. I mean one knife lasts a lifetime. Its a good buy! Just because i want a zwilling henckel more than i want diamonds make me less of a woman? Naaaaa.

Its like a man owning pots and pans, does it make him less of a man? Naa...

Anyways, a baju kurung costs RM100. Well i would trade 10 baju kurungs for a henckel knife...i would....he he he

and NO it doesn't translate that i have expensive taste in everything. Doesn't mean i want a rich man. I mean come on! Some men spend RM10 for a box of cigarette, times by 100, u can already get a henckel what....

Alaa u guys are no better than me la......so u have to find rich girlfriend meh?? :P

Btw about the way i handled your car..... :P i know guys love their machine more than girlfriend meh... sorry, i am a bit ganas meh, i told you already what....

So many things..

2008-11-25T08:59:00.002+08:00

So many things happened yesterday. Wow! Thoughts were rushing through my head faster than doraemon eats dorayaki. Huh! How did i think of that? I dunno, the child inside of me speaking.

Darn its tough being adults. Having family. I am not sure I can, I want to but can I? Demands of family life, job life, motherhood, sisterhood sounds so overwhelming. Sometimes i think its not that bad to stay single.. Uff, well they say u miss things in life. Yeah... i guess, one of it is, being stitched down there after childbirth....If God didn't make procreation erms an act of pleasure, i think we would all have been extinct. LOLz. Then again you could get stitched for many reasons, i have a stitch mark on my leg when i fell into a huge drain when i was 4. So i am not missing that much.. :P

One time one of my bosses said to me "I am a father, i am a husband, i am a son, i am a brother and i only have 24 hours a day". I just stared at him, not really sure how to respond, but i guess he was saying about the demands that he has to live up to. So i went to the pantry and made him tea. That was the only gesture i could think of. That look on his face, i can never forget. A mixture of surprise and i dunno..'gratitude'? As if it meant that much to him, taht someone handed him tea. Well i guess sometimes responses need not be verbal..

Life! So obscure, so delicate yet so tough.. Sounds like an advertistment tag line? Hahahaha..well its not. Thats is how i perceive life. To reach equilibrium is not easy. It takes synergy of many parameters, for example: to be a good partner, u have to have a good partner, who brings out the best in you, not the worst. Does he even exist? Then there has to be catalyst: what is it? Good "xyz"? What about other parameters? Money? Status? Children? Religion? how these fit in?

Darn! I wish I could stall growing up. Then again, it isn't up to me. I am just a tiny part of a huge system. Like a fleck of dust if not an atom in a huge universe. Hmm Miss Universe must be really huge...hahahahahahaha..hmmm

Arghsss. I am taking it one day at a time..

What is it called again?

2008-11-14T09:47:00.007+08:00

Sometimes i can't put a finger on...what makes a person have such a hold on another person?

Is it that person or is it the 'other' person? What that he/she can't find else where?

What is that factor that ties a person to another with such clinginess that he/she would do anything even die for this person? Stay even when he/she is hurt? Do anything/everything the other person asks of him/her?

What makes a person subdue another person i mean without gun pointed at their head or being beaten to death threat or something life threatening?

I feel it too but WHAT is IT called? Need? Love? Weakness? Stupidity? Lust?

WHAT??????

I do wonder...

2008-11-13T20:14:00.002+08:00

If i will be remembered after i am dead?
How will i be remembered then?
Who will remember me?

Is there someone saying a prayer for me?
Who is that person?
What do pray for me? Happiness? Well being?
or something i'd rather not know...?

IF someone misses me right now?
Who would it be? How am i missed?
Will anyone miss me when i am gone? When i demise?

Who will pick me up when i fall?
Will they watch or will they laugh or will they extend their hand for me to hold..

Will my friends be there? Who would still be there for me?

In the end, who will it be?

Age?? Whats that? ROFL!

2008-11-10T12:23:00.006+08:00

Hahahahahah, I was just being fascinated if not mesmerised by a professor in a meeting this morning. Oh! he exudes that aura of authority, confidence and passion when he speaks of science. I just love it! It makes him very mmmmmmmmm captivating. I was definitely captivated LOL! I was like WOW! I think everyone in the meeting room notices. ROFL. I think he is older than my mother, but then again, so what? Heyyyyyyyy i am not having a crush on him..mind u! LOLZ

To me age is just a number. I don't really have issues with age. As long as we get along fine, there is good chemistry (there are bad chemistry as well, its when u just fume when u see his face...bad chemistry... had those too), and both parties are into it, then so be it. Life is too short to deprive urself of good company. I am NOT implying that its alright to change bfs or gfs, i am saying its fine to have many friends. I am (inshaAllah) a one-man woman. I mean if i am in love, other men are non-existing as far as i am concerned.

Older men, younger women...but the trend now seems to be older women, younger men, and at one point of time, the older woman tells the younger man, 'go get urself a younger woman i just want to go masjid. LOL! Mujur gok kalu nok g sejik...kalu segho nok g main mahjung jah? Nauzubillah..hahahha

Yeah, i had had encounters with younger guys who were well rather fascinating, a couple of times - more than 10 yrs younger, so naturally i thought about that....when i reach menopausal age, he is just turning into a mature adult- @ 40 perhaps??? then what is going to happen? Is he going to look for a younger woman, then i thought if it comes to that, i'll think about it. LOL. if i love him enough i'd probably say :'oh its time u find greener pasture(s) my love!' ROFL.I would wish he would say 'No, u're my only love'. and i won't tell him again :P.

Older men are more forward, maybe subtle but still forward, they are more confident, i guess. Younger men, i don't know....shy? Ego? insecure? Too subtle for my radar. Once felt really deeply about this guy, 11 years younger than i am. He was very intelligent, at times 'mature' and very nice. We got along fine, then i had a crush on him, then i thought it was rather inappropriate for me to feel that way, then i decided to stop there. Then he said 'it could have worked'. It took me months to figure out what he meant. What could work? me and him? What? He never did tell me directly how he felt, but he said things that made me say uh? so.....? Maybe there is some unwritten teen-love rule that when a guy does this it means he like her. Well i am not a teenager! and i don't read love rule books either.

I am a straight forward thinking person who takes things as they are. I assume if he likes me he will say it- i like u, if he doesn't like me then he doesn't say he likes me. Simple isn't it? Khadijah i think i like u...i'd probably say something like Oh Thank You!!!!!! I like u too.. (it just means that, i like u..).

Anyways, age and maturity does not necessarily correlate, but maturity comes from experience and if u live longer, u definitely have experienced more?

Soo.......i guess it is pretty much decided then...hehehehehe..

Men and Women

2008-11-08T19:08:00.011+08:00

the longer i live, the more i believe, that there is masculine side in every woman and a feminine side in every man.

Talking about being in touch with his feminine side and her masculine side.

I mean how else can a woman be a soldier, and a man be able to cry?

Even tho i am capable of drilling walls, minor plumbing and changing my own tires (power tools plsssssss LOLZ!)....(i only do it because i have to...duh!). I like being feminine - be the one that cooks, (he can do the washing)..being taken care of & pampered, shopping (he can buy the groceries), make ups, clothes, grooming and mmm i think that's about it...

AND

I still prefer real men -the intelligent, fearless, tool-handlers, take charge, macho men with 5 o'clock shadows, who can access his feminine side at will (hey i don't mind the cooking side, the crying side (not the cry baby), listen to my whining side and the side that likes pink lolz...).

then again, it may be asking for too much, pls refer to the prev blog: no 4, lol.

Anastina

2008-11-04T11:21:00.001+08:00

Ah!

Anastina....

it just stands for 'anak singa betina' translation female lion cub. no special reason for it, just i am a bit of a singa, but not so garang ah.. mulut bising, ati tak sampai...hahahahhaha

well in our house, we have a animal-nick for each of us. our house consists of:
a gurl panda - Pandina
a gurl ant - Mutina
a gurl lizard - i forgot her nick hahahahaha
a gurl feline - thats me, sometimes i am a cat, lion the next and i don't know what else i would be in the future.

:P

so lets see if i evolve...